


i've been searching in the dark (how long must i wait for you)

by calmbeforethestorm



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: M/M, Mental Illness, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 15:00:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2114295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calmbeforethestorm/pseuds/calmbeforethestorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His life had always been consumed by darkness. But now, the light seemed to be breaking through.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i've been searching in the dark (how long must i wait for you)

When he wakes that morning, a familiar black hole in his gut has formed. 

Ray isn’t surprised, if he’s honest. The last week had been hard; the stress of needing to put extra content out, only getting a few hours of sleep, and forgetting to eat had chipped away the wall he’d only built up three months past. It was the anxiety of a car accident only two days ago that had really freaked him out. The crash hadn’t necessarily been a bad one; no one was seriously injured and the other driver had been at fault, not Ryan, but it’d been enough. One moment, he’d been laughing at a joke, the next another car was plowing into Ryan’s side. He was lucky to only walk away with whiplash. The idea that Ray could have lost his partner had been the final crack to bring everything crashing down

_Fuck. Why why why. Not again, please. This isn’t fair._

Despite being in the safe, strong arms of his boyfriend, Ray feels afraid. He can’t put his finger on why, but the fear is there nonetheless. Guilt follows, as he knows he won’t be able to record until the brick and mortar in his mind is built back up, which will fuck up the schedule. And of course, there’s Ryan.

It doesn’t make sense to Ray why the older man has stuck around. Any other person would have left after the first couple days of his condition. The doctors had told Ray as a kid he'd had a rare form of selective mutism; an anxiety disorder that after certain situations of distress would leave him unable to talk. There wasn’t anything that could be done; no medication was available, and therapy had never worked. It was the shitty cards life had dealt him. In his opinion, it was like being held hostage by his own brain. 

Not many relationships could survive when one person can’t use their own voice (as had been his prior experience). When Ryan had first asked him out, Ray had been certain that the moment he told Ryan about his condition, he’d be gone. And yet, it’d been over a year, and after three ‘episodes’, the older man was still there.

Ray thanks whatever deity had taken some pity on him, and brought Ryan into his life.

Twisted thoughts stew for what feels like days, when finally the alarm clock rings and his partner starts to stir. Ray reaches over and turns it off himself, only to bury himself into Ryan’s neck and close his eyes, hoping he’ll be able to speak if he just tries hard enough (he knows he won’t, he’s never been able to for the past twenty-four years of his life, but that doesn’t mean he’ll ever give up). Beside him Ryan stirs, letting out a yawn, before kissing Ray's forehead and mumbling good morning.

In his head, Ray says good morning back. He says it over and over again, almost like desperate pleas to a captor. For those that didn’t discern his predicament (which was nearly everyone), they assumed that Ray was in control, that he just chose not to speak. Before working at Rooster Teeth, in fact, the only people who believed he was completely helpless to it had been his parents. The staff may not have had a full understanding, but they accepted it as a part of Ray, and it didn’t matter.

Which is nice, and he’s grateful, but it doesn’t make the situation any better. Despite all his best efforts, nothing comes out (per usual). Trapped in his brain, his voice not responding to any neural commands.

“I was thinking of making us some breakfast before work, since Geoff said we all don’t have to come in until nine. What sounds good?” Ryan asks with a low hum, jostling Ray slightly.

When Ray doesn't respond, he pushes himself up, softly raising Ray’s chin so that their eyes are level. “Hey, you’re not mad at me, are you? Did I do something wrong?” The concern in his voice is obvious, and it eats at Ray’s heart like maggots on a corpse. He shakes his head furiously, grabbing at his own hair in vexation. Please let me talk, don’t do this to me. Why!? Why the fuck am I so broken!? How could anyone love a person so fucked in the head? Stupid. You dumb shit, he’s going to leave you because of this.

_“It’s happening again, isn’t it?”_

Ray nods.

Warmth suddenly surrounds him, and Ray melts in Ryan’s arms. He can feel tears pricking at his eyes from frustration, but blinks them back. Against Ryan’s chest, Ray shakes, feeling like shit for putting him through this. He deserves better, a normal boyfriend, that isn’t going to lose it every couple of months. 

Of course Ryan, who always seems to be able to read Ray’s mind, shakes his head before detaching, holding Ray’s face in his hands to kiss him. With every kiss comes tender words of encouragement. First on the forehead, _“It’s okay”_ , then both cheeks _“Do not feel guilty”_ , and then the lips _“I love you, voice or no voice”_. 

It takes a few seconds, but Ray looks back at Ryan, nodding again, this time with a weak smile.

“I’m going to call Geoff, we’ll take today off, and for however long this lasts, we’ll work it out. You can always edit videos instead. It’ll be alright.” The older man says as he stands up from the bed, nuzzling his forehead against Ray’s before heading towards the living room with his phone.

The next few days, though terrible, aren’t as hellish as they’d formerly been.

They go to work the next day out of Geoff’s insistence, but all Ray does is film editing and planning future achievement guides. No one questions Ray or his condition, instead offering him smiles and soft pats on the back (and Ryan constantly sends him text messages, asking if there's anything he can do).

It's a small comfort that, before the company he now considered family, he never really had.

And in only a week, Ray's wall is built up again. It's the fastest he's ever gotten his voice back. This time, he hasn't done it by himself. Every brick and mortar is laid with loving words and gentle touches. A fortress now surrounds Ray, with high towers and a strong foundation. It may not be impenetrable, but for now, it's safe.

Ray knows that next time, he won't be alone in the debris.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not super familiar with mutism, so I'm sorry if I wrote it wrong!


End file.
